Tomorrow is made mirky by uncertainty, guided by the optimisism that each day bring you are able to find your way through.

At War

I laid my heart on a pillow of hope and woke up on to sheets stained with pain.  I can't really blame anyone because everything that happen was as vivid as the light of day. Armed with the optimism militia i went to war hoping to capture the hands of fate but i lost, and in doing so lost all. What exactly was the at steak, i don't know, i just knew that the lost was unaffordable. why, i rhetorically asked myself. what is it about her that is worth not losing?  Well i have waved the flag of surrender, and there is a load of pain to bare.

Mirror Talk

I know that you no longer recognize me  as i have turn into another.  Circumstances have forced me to re-engineer myself at the pleasing of another, sadly these changes have made me unhappy and in the process the other unhappy.  When i look upon the memory of old it is painted with colors of joy, the kind only one can bring himself.   i hope to return to these days soon.  until then i beg you bare with me cause all that ills shall come to pass......

morning

I wake up every morning like the last with constant thought, hope even, that something changes. Maybe in actually i am hoping for the  morning the comes less the thought of her, or how to make her happy, of how she ill treats me. But what can i do>?  There is no pill of satisfaction to get over here, and time is a better cure as it takes to long asn leaves such scare.  I just want it done, like now. 

Special F you

For all those who ever encouraged me, or looked down on me for living a carefree single, promiscuous life while insisting that i grow up and settle down i say fuck you.  And the same to myself for allowing myself to become that.

week in review

Nothing much different about the week, relationship wise.  I started a new job, its taking the body a little while to adjust to not being home relaxing through the day, so when i get home i am tired as hell (de woman cah understand that).  The job is working out fine, trying to keep myself busy and reacquaint myself with the environment.

On the relationship front still the up and down - seesaw ride.  This week she discovered the bible again so everyday i have to endure through hours of this ridiculous sermon, she thinks is funny.  I don't get it, is the guy suppose to enlighten or poke fun of others religion. Suffice to say we havent slept in the same bed since.  The odd thing with this she see nothing wrong with it, but will come in my room today or tomorrow and be upset that i am watching tv hence unable to spend time with her.

Last night she was going out to "Collect her mail" so i asked her for a ride to bert to pick up some money she had for me.  She made it clearly to me that she is playing her pastor shit (which she knows i hate) in the car, so i told her i am not goin to listen to it and if she truly intend to play it i wont be riding along.  Well she felt listen to her pastor was too important to not play so i ended up staying home.  I am upset up that but she doesn't see reason for me to be upset so she continues like nothing is wrong and have the nerve to ask "Why are you mad at me?"

Its been a few days now, its still hard but i endure.  I think its best, who ever said the best things for your happiness are the best things.  its still tough passing her by in the hallways or in the room and not saying anything. i really want to talk to her, i miss her hug i missing holding her miss feeling her near.  Is this truly the end?

I sit here going through all the things i have to say to end this sham of a relationship, but i know in reality a smile from this woman and she is ok with me.  I know that i could never go through with it cause i want this woman too much, even at the cost of my happiness.  I am on an emotional roller coaster   I just want to be happy, it has never been a difficult state for me to attain. when you are with someone whose desire is to make another happy.  I don't understand how someone who knows they are doing wrong could talk ill about someone about someone they love. could upon confrontation that hey ills have been found would offer a comprise where we are equally punished.

Forcefield

I see the ills as they unfold, but i am weak to do anything to make my heart whole.  I read the messages, i see the reactions,  i hear the words but still i can't do anything.  I feel hopeless and my heart feels chained, i have but optimism to keeps the dark force field lite.  I am eager to please and to correct my ills but draw blank cards of reciprocation when its your turn.  I have fallen onto a new me that not even i can recognize, i would like to escape but this force field holds me in.

Cloak of Loneliness

I make no misguides about who i am in this world with relation to friends and family, simply put i have none.  I have no friends to whom i turn in times of need nor family on which to depend.  I walk through this world cloaked in loneliness.  When the showers of life's misgivings come, i stand under a shelter provided by the strength of character and hold every storm has an end.

Paiting Path

Never let anyone paint the path for which your life should travel, for they may run out of paint and leave you lost in this world. It is easy when blinding by love, to allow yourself to follow ones lead while lead in an attempting to build upon a harmonious union.  But while it may feaster springs of temporary emotional bliss, your character is lost.  Soon you are at a point struggling to find the path which another has painted and the path to you is lost.

Middle of the road

There i stand like a deer caught in the headlight.  I don't know if i should continue across or return. Either side of the street is painful so labor in a decision.  I want this, but how can i want to be with someone who remains indifferent to what i feel.  I would love nothing more than a moment of her time, where i feel like i am not invisible.  She would rather squander her free time immerse in TV or in dialogue with some mystery person on the phone.  Where at a moments notice she would find wind to entertain this invite to go out.  I still desire to do whatever it takes to keep her happy, but why should i wish to carry water to the ends of the world for someone who would sooner rejoice at water in my eyes.

Storied Romance

Story always begins how sparks fly igniting a blaze of storied romance.  Where soft kisses inspire weaken knees and smiles are so contagious mere presences leads to their eruption.  Where calls induce desire and sexual passions explode with every opportunity.  Where walk through the park seems like a trek across the heavenly night on a soft, white cloud. No thought exist about tomorrow for the here and now is all there is to live for.  Hearts explode with laughter and souls ignite in a hopes of storied romance.