morning

I wake up every morning like the last with constant thought, hope even, that something changes. Maybe in actually i am hoping for the  morning the comes less the thought of her, or how to make her happy, of how she ill treats me. But what can i do>?  There is no pill of satisfaction to get over here, and time is a better cure as it takes to long asn leaves such scare.  I just want it done, like now. 

Special F you

For all those who ever encouraged me, or looked down on me for living a carefree single, promiscuous life while insisting that i grow up and settle down i say fuck you.  And the same to myself for allowing myself to become that.

week in review

Nothing much different about the week, relationship wise.  I started a new job, its taking the body a little while to adjust to not being home relaxing through the day, so when i get home i am tired as hell (de woman cah understand that).  The job is working out fine, trying to keep myself busy and reacquaint myself with the environment.

On the relationship front still the up and down - seesaw ride.  This week she discovered the bible again so everyday i have to endure through hours of this ridiculous sermon, she thinks is funny.  I don't get it, is the guy suppose to enlighten or poke fun of others religion. Suffice to say we havent slept in the same bed since.  The odd thing with this she see nothing wrong with it, but will come in my room today or tomorrow and be upset that i am watching tv hence unable to spend time with her.

Last night she was going out to "Collect her mail" so i asked her for a ride to bert to pick up some money she had for me.  She made it clearly to me that she is playing her pastor shit (which she knows i hate) in the car, so i told her i am not goin to listen to it and if she truly intend to play it i wont be riding along.  Well she felt listen to her pastor was too important to not play so i ended up staying home.  I am upset up that but she doesn't see reason for me to be upset so she continues like nothing is wrong and have the nerve to ask "Why are you mad at me?"

Its been a few days now, its still hard but i endure.  I think its best, who ever said the best things for your happiness are the best things.  its still tough passing her by in the hallways or in the room and not saying anything. i really want to talk to her, i miss her hug i missing holding her miss feeling her near.  Is this truly the end?

I sit here going through all the things i have to say to end this sham of a relationship, but i know in reality a smile from this woman and she is ok with me.  I know that i could never go through with it cause i want this woman too much, even at the cost of my happiness.  I am on an emotional roller coaster   I just want to be happy, it has never been a difficult state for me to attain. when you are with someone whose desire is to make another happy.  I don't understand how someone who knows they are doing wrong could talk ill about someone about someone they love. could upon confrontation that hey ills have been found would offer a comprise where we are equally punished.

Forcefield

I see the ills as they unfold, but i am weak to do anything to make my heart whole.  I read the messages, i see the reactions,  i hear the words but still i can't do anything.  I feel hopeless and my heart feels chained, i have but optimism to keeps the dark force field lite.  I am eager to please and to correct my ills but draw blank cards of reciprocation when its your turn.  I have fallen onto a new me that not even i can recognize, i would like to escape but this force field holds me in.